TUNES     FILMS     HOME     SHOWS     d/lds
               Gallery    Biography    Blog   You Tube     Facebook     Tech page               

Blog page

Well...err,..ok....
This is my blog page, thing, whatever.
It contains some of my mad rants, jokes, links to pics etc.
I put it on the site to replace the personal page that had links
to all sorts of stuff that frequently sent people off to become hopelessly lost in places they never returned from.
So maybe by keeping all my rubbish and witterings in one place,
peeps can read it without having to go walkabout, or you can just ignore the whole page :-)

...........................................................................................................................................................

Bedspace...

It is noted and frequently commented on, that a lot of people have too little or no imagination.
That in fact we should all strive to be more imaginitive.
To let the shackles of our mind clank noisily to the floor.
To give full reign to our deepest musings.

Hmm...

Our dreamscape is one of the most fertile playgrounds where our perceptions and imaginations are allowed to 'go wild'.
And all usually, is quite fine and dandy so long as the door is, shall we say ~ not left on the snig.
As we are all aware, dreams can be, well, bizarre.
This latest was for the most part, and quite fortunately, lost on the seas of deep sleep.
All but a small, and it would seem, quite 'pivitol' peice....

I was entering some affable fellows abode and I belive, commenting on the direct 12" pipe
that bought the sea, outside and above their window, straight to a sink on the wall.
(Looking back at this with clarity of hindsight, I think I do see some potential in this 'simplified' plumbing.
Pressure would be never a problem, but I'm sure quality control might prove an issue.)

Anyway, after inspecting said sanitation I belive I was about to depart,
when I was prompted to inspect this persons aviary. (natually in the same room)
I distinctly remember walking a few feet to where I was now 'under' a flock of some sort of small birds.
Which then decided to deficate profusely upon me!
"Man*, you'r birds are shitting on me" ~ *Maybe I was American, or the others gender needed clarifing.

I did what anybody in that situation, laying on their back under a flock of deficating birds, would do...
I span myself over 180 degrees and fell down a deep well!

Now, It is at this point that I have to say I belive that the dream may have ended,
as this deep well appeared to stop and become quite 'body shakingly' solid after eighteen inches.
Which coincidently turns out to be the height of the bed.
This drop from your own bed can be 'a bit of an eye opener' shall we say, when it happensas just a main course,
but when this meal also has a starter that is a 180 flip from front to back that rolls the duvet completely round you 'mummy style'
and for afters wedges you between the bed and side table.....

So the dream hath ended and consciousness is ringing the door bell!
All would be well if this had happened instantly.

But it didnt.....

There was about three lifetimes between the time I was aware of
being 'physically' on the floor wrapped constrictingly tight in my own duvet wedged between the bed and cabinet...
And mentally, having just spun 180, fallen and become stuck at the bottom of a very deep well!!

There are definatley times when having no imagination would be a blessing....

In bedspace, no one can hear you scream!

:-)

..........................................................................................................................................................

One of us...

A single will that starts it all ~ One of us.

Fighting and killing for space on a planet we all share ~ Millions of us.

Devided by beliefs and ritual, long outdated ~ Billions of us.

The joke that 'we know, yet still do' ~ Priceless.

Realising 'we have always known and still, always will' ~ Speachless.

A single will that stops it all ~ One of us.

;-)

.......................................................................................................................................................

Passionate Ladies...

I've been noticing an interesting phenomenon over the last few years.

I begin a conversation with a young (you're all young whatever your age) lady that I have seen and thought,
'Wow, she's got somthing' and it envariably turns out that you are ultra passionate about something.
An almost obsessive drive and desire for your hobby/cause, ativismn/lifestyle.

This passion for something you care dearly about seems to permiate your whole being and outlook.
Maybe it is that wonderous thing that tends to mean that you are,
'passionate for one thing in life, passionate for everything in life', who knows.

But, even if I maybe don't share your passion for that particular thing, or even ferverently disagree with your point of view,
that passion you have for it seeps out into the world.

So whilst I doubt any of you decided to belive passionatly about something for any other reason than the love of it,
It does appear to have the extra added bonus ~ of making you irresistible.

:-)

.....................................................................................................................................................

Some People...

You see, the trouble is.
When you ask people to think about their actions by justifing them to a higher order or being,
they defer to their own deity for reference (in whose name they are usually acting).

So how about this for an idea:

Imagine you are explaining your actions to the alien commander of a huge intergalactic warship hovering in front of you....
That way when you tell them that women are not allowed to drive in your country because they are lesser beings,
or that you are gong to stone a dog for being the reincarnation of a offender from 20yrs ago.
Or that other people occupying the very same planet are "less" than you.
This way you will make their day, because...

They will be Pissing themselves laughing before they declare you a 'universal waste of space' and fry your sorry F**king asses!!

;-)

...................................................................................................................................................

A moment of awareness and clarity...

A man,who will remain nameless, but has a dog called Carla, sat in his kitchen one day.
Carla (the afforementioned dog) was sleeping on the kitchen floor, on her back, legs in the air (as she does)

So this man...
for bedevilment, he slowly lifted himself out of the chair at the dining table and crept toward her.
Now, she must have been in deep sleep as usually he can get to within maybe a couple of feet
before an ear turns or an eye opens and she looks up.
Tonight he got to 'breathing in her ear' close....

The elation that he felt at completing this act of incredible stealth
must have been what deluded him into thinking it was a good idea to then wisper "boo" in her ear.
It was at this point that the moment of awareness informed him
of a 'change of fortunes' was creping into the slower reaches of his brain!

Have you ever seen a 50kg German shepard react to being abruptly woken up to find a dumb human gurning at it!!

In conclusion...
B oth he and Carla have, for the sake of continuing harmonius comuning,
decided to draw a veil over the incident and, whilst waiting for what was lost by both parties to re-grow, call it a draw!

:-)

....................................................................................................................................................

The real TT races...

If you have ever thought the TT is noisy and overwhelmed with rules and regulations,
you should check out the Pulrose kids junior TT currently being run outside our back gate around the "car park circuit".
There are 4 john mcguinessess, 6 Guy martins and Bruce Ansty, who is appently giving a rare outing to her pink scooter.

There have been so far: 64 non starts, two crashes at the wheely bin hairpin
and one disqualification (big kid has an mx helmet and goggles, which is an unfair advantage, obviously)

I doubt that there will be a winner declared as after each half lap every single rider claims that everyone else cheated.

Hang on, in true TT fashion the racing has been red flagged....for tea!! :-)

.................................................................................................................................................

Rules...

Some upbringing rules are for life!
This realisation made me laugh today.
I was feeling hungry and then saw a shop with scrummy cakes,
I thought, Oh hang on, I'll go and get a sandwhich and a cuppa first! :-0.

I'm forty six, when does, 'Not till after your dinner' stop being law??? :-)

...........................................................................................................................................................

The Supermarket Doctor....

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
Listen mate - don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for
good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits theresults with a grin.
The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....

:-)

.............................................................................................................................................................

Funny Pictures....
I've been putting together some caption pics ( and stealing some from the net, he,he)
always good for a giggle... Here

............................................................................................................................................................

Sweet....
Barking, completely illegal, totally iresponsible, but sooooooooo rock 'n' roll

.............................................................................................................................................................

Introductions....

Some introductions are priceless.
Sitting in the Hydro hotel after playing a gig.
Having a nice pot of tea with Shawzy, up wanders a rather fetching young lady, who proceeds to deliver the best chat up line ever.
"Hey Mr Riff...... my dad loves you."

Doh!

..............................................................................................................................................................

Coughing....

Why, I mean, just why!
What on earth can be so abhorent to the body that it belives
it's only course of action is to try and expell it through the eyeballs!

Now...
Let me be clear about the type of cough I'm talking about here.
I'm not talking about the little "excuse me I'm here" cough. Oh no, that has many uses.
No I'm talking about the:
Starts slowly with the "tickle" that, after 4 of, you still foolishly belive can be held in check,
that then leads to the kind of wracking and spasming not seen since mc hammer!
The kind that only reaches completion after the lower intestine are all but formed around the mouth like a wet mustache.

It is a thing of absolute pure evil.
If Adam had taken a coughing fit whilst partaking of the forbidden fruit, the state of eve would have led to the first clothes invented being kevlar.
I'm actually sure the first blow pipes were invented two minutes after someone attempted to cup their hand round a thunder cough.
And for the love of....How many shades of red can a human face turn?
Actually the dangerous colour is yellowy /green, thats when the blood vessals in the head have decided it may actually be cooler outside of you.

And...This cough is no executioner.
Oh no, this type is the Torturer.
There's no swift fatal attack followed by the end. With the torturer the wracking goes on and on, untill your socks turn inside out.
Then it stops and you attempt to inhale the entire rooms oxygen supply and wipe the sweat from your eyes.
Then and only then comes the tickle again.
Unless! It dosn't.
It's evil remember. It waits.
It knows that if it leaves you alone long enough that your stupidity creeps in and you actually dare to begin to HOPE.
Hope! That it may be gone.
Then 5 seconds later you are staring at an empty fork and the the side of your loved ones face,
which is now dripping with warm spagetti hoops.

Coughs are just....actually, no they're beyond even that.

If you have been, I thank you.

Goodnight. :-)

..................................................................................................................................................................

The five secrets to a happy relationship......

1.its important to have a woman who helps at home,cooks cleans and has a job.

2.its important to have a woman who makes you laugh.

3.its important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.

4.its important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.

5.its absolutely vital that these four women do not know each other....;-)

..................................................................................................................................................................

Obsessions....

Even the dog is thinking, Doh!

......................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Two things anyone who knows me will confirm....

1. I am always messing with music gear, fixing, changing, breaking (shuffles feet, looks at floor)
2. I have a memory like a sieve and live my life by post it notes and lists.
(just as a little side/add on to this list, dont ya just love writing lists with the first things already done,
just so you can tick them off straight away!)

Right, so. I had a few things to get in tescos and a few jobs to do.
These were: Get eggs, milk and, as I had one of those apple strudel things (mmm),
some whipped cream.
Also some batteries and strings for the guitars.
And to do, I had: Put some wooden latts into the floor base of one of the speakers
and on the spare guitar I had to fix the strap.

All well and good, so off pops I to get afformentioned items and then do jobs.

Now normally my infallable lists hold me in good stead and keep me on the straight and narrow!
Today this was not to be, he,he.

I arrived at the checkout at Tescos and whilst putting my stuff on the belt, I put down my list...on the belt.
The helpful young checkout girl rescued my list before, unwares to me, it went down the edge.
She must have looked at the list before quickly handing it back to me.

She then went bright red and wispered to me "we do everything but the last one"

With, I am assuming, a look of confusion now firmly planted on my face,
I took the list and re-read it..... oops!

It says:

EGGS

MILK

WHIPPED CREAM

STRINGS

BATTS

FLOOR BRACE

SPARE STRAP ON

Looks like shoprite for a couple of weeks.

......................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Cakes, Cows and Aeroplanes....

Well, I was away for a few days last week and I found myself driving off the ferry
in the "tour bus" (ha!) with a few hours to kill.
The sat nav was just grining at me with that 'I dare you' look on its screen, hmm, where to go.
Never program a sat nav when your hungry!
It leads to bizarre decisions like, mmm I fancy a bakewell tart. Five min's later..................
I had the sat nav programmed for Bakewell in the peak district
and was thundering in that direction as fast as the old girl would carry me.
Oh, and don't get there and ask for a bakewell tart....nooooooooooo, they are called puddings.
I found out with a rebuke from the girl who served me it.
And they are best warm with cream, mmmmmmmmmm.

One of the nice things about being, err, shall we say, not that young anymore,
is that when new technology turns up we aren't used to it, so it is, err, new and exciting.
So it was with just this feeling of childish excitement that I sat in the cinema with my bag of sweets
and a pair of glasses that made the lobby all fuzzy.
Apparently 3d glasses are best worn when actually watching a film!
Then this Avatar started, ok so the plot is basically Dances with wolves, in the future, but bloody hell! the effects.
I think I may get to like new technology :-)

Soo after a couple of days of learning new things......
like, sleeping in the van in January is bloody cold, cows are well shifty at night, (don't ask)
and Manchester is just too big to walk all around in (pick a number) of hours, I set off for home.
As the van was staying for a week before coming home too I decided to fly back.
All was as should be at the airport, security still presumed I was made completely of metal
and kept asking for more and more things for me to take off. Ha,ha

Then a strange thing happen, the nice girl in a silly hat came and told me to go to the executive lounge,
mmm, beer and tea, and cake! I liked that room.
Then she escorted me to the check in and handed me to another pretty girl in another silly hat (unless they share).
By now I was beginning to feel like I was an unaccompanied minor!
She took me to the door and handed me to a bloke in far too loud a coat and a safety hat,
( well if a plane is going to land on yer head, it pays to have a plastic hat on I suppose)
Halfway across the tarmac I had to ask, "do you normally escort travellers all the way through the process"?
"yes" said he........
"Individually"? I replied.
"No, all together" Said he....
"but there is only me her..............."
Before i could finish, he pointed and said...."welcome to your plane, sir"!
Ha,ha!! There was only me going on it.
I strode across that tarmac to 'my' private plane feeling more rock 'n' roll than in 20 yrs of playing it!
A good day :-)

...................................................................................................................................................................................

Australian Tourism Website....

The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a
great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for idiots!)
__________________________________________________

> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
>
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)

> Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
>
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

> A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
> ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
>
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
> A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany )

> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)

> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )
>
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
>

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

> Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )
>
> A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
>
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

:-)

...............................................................................................................................................................................................

Snow....

Well, where on earth did all this snow come from? And don't say the sky!
The Island isn't used to all this white stuff falling on it.
So, as you might imagine we were totally unprepared for it, all the schools closed,
public transport stopped and no one went anywhere.
It was all handled though in the Islands usual easy going manner.
when the chief constable comes on the radio at 8am and essentially tells everyone to
"have a lie in, we'll see what happens later"
you know the day isn't going to rush to sort it's self.

I took a walk into town to get the skeet and take in the air, which was so sharp it was best chewed first!
Some of the sights along the way were funny not just in them self, but for the mental imagery that they convey.
For instance the six laughing cherubs hurtling down one of the main streets on an upturned kitchen table,
that made me ponder the expression on the mothers face as the crockery she lays out drops to the floor.

All the parks were full of snowmen, sorry, snow people.
Fathers were indulging in the ritual violence against their children they cunningly disguise as "snowball" fights.
And optimism was in abundance from all........
from the policeman who, far from arresting the man he had hold of by the shoulder, turned out to
using him as support to get up a hill, that quite frankly a mountain goat wearing snow chains would have struggled with,
to the chap carrying a snow board and heading to the hills.
Now you may wonder, what was so optimistic about that?
Well it was the fact that he was carrying his snow board whilst two-up on the back of a moped!!
In all honesty, I think they would have made more progress had they ridden the snow board and carried the moped.

After an hour, she realized that, whilst technically snow is edible, there was just too much to put a sizable dent in it.

....................................................................................................................................................................................................................

..................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Xmas joy....

Twas the night afore Christmas and all about the house,
Baz was wandering and bewailing his lot.........
Just got up and found my first present...MAN FLUE!!!!!...and I'm now going Alan Rickman!

So, that's it, no scraps for the lepers, christmas is cancelled, and if anyone thinks about being jolly,
they'll get their heart cut out..
with a Spooooooooooooon.

No, seriously, have a good time over Christmas everyone and remember,
you have all of Jan and Feb. to burn it off, he,he.

And apparently...
Marks And Spencers' new advert states that: 'it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.'
Correct. It'd be 'Chrita.'"

If you like your humor a tad sarcastic, and there's nothing on the box (when is there)
then check out some of things on here
very funny.

.............................................................................................................................................................................................................

It's time to get fit....
So I thought, how's the best way. Well gyms and stuff are V boring, so I went and got an exercise bike..ha,ha

Well, its sort of an exercise bike.

Eventually after much prevarication I finally got out to play yesterday, I could have maybe picked a slightly warmer day.
It was freezing.

Although I have to say lots of exercise was had. Have you ever tried starting one of them from stone cold? ha,ha.
I now have one leg bigger than the other and know what a heart attack feels like.
When I learn how to ride the thing I'll post some pics.
In the meantime here's a vid of what can be done on these things, (never in my wildest dreams, ha,ha )

................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Top